Butt Blast by Susan Berran

Author:Susan Berran
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781631583391
Publisher: Racehorse
Published: 2019-03-31T16:00:00+00:00

Crabby Abbey was the snottiest girl in school and her birthday was coming up soon. Abbey is incredibly painful. She’s like the biggest suck-up to the teachers of all time. They all think she’s such a goodie goodie and believe absolutely everything she says.

Crabby could tell a teacher that pink alien cows had just landed in the playground and they’d believe her because “she would never lie”—yeah, right! Any chance she gets, she turns me or Jared in to a teacher for absolutely anything … even if she knows we didn’t do it. Even if the “thing” hasn’t actually happened yet! Even if it never was going to happen! “Mrs. Duckson, Sam and Jared stepped on some ants.”

“Mrs. Duckson, half of Sam’s foot touched the grass.”

“Mrs. Duckson, Sam and Jared are breathing too loudly.”

We thought that her birthday was the perfect time for some long overdue payback.

We’d noticed for a while that Crabby and her friends would go to the school bathroom about a hundred times a day. Every chance they got they strutted to the bathroom and came out five minutes later. Most times we didn’t even hear a flush. Naturally, we figured there must be some sort of secret “Crabby Club.” It was time to find out.

We spent days using our incredibly awesome spy-listening device behind the toilet block. It didn’t take long to find out that it wasn’t a club at all. Just some totally stupid “girly” thing where they check themselves in the mirror and put face cream on—about twenty times a day! Every time they went, we could hear Crabby droning on and on and on …

“My face cream is sooo expensive. It comes from Antarctica.”

“My face cream is made from the kisses of dolphins.”

“My face cream is way better than the cream movie stars use.”

She’s such an exaggerator. She thinks that her face cream will help keep her looking beautiful and years younger when everyone else is in their seventies and she still looks twenty-one! Yeah, probably like a twenty-one-year-old warthog!

We were sitting around trying to come up with a new idea for how to make a million dollars from our earwax when Crabby wandered past, heading for the toilets with her nose in the air, face cream in her hand, and all of her little followers trotting along right behind her.

Face cream! We could use earwax to make face cream. We were going to be rich. Everyone would love it! It’s natural—because it comes out of peoples’ ears. It’s good for you—unless you eat it. And it’s cheap—because hey, it’s earwax. And we could even try cat and dog earwax as well.

So Jared and I started experimenting to make it smell better, look better, and feel better! We added vinegar and salt and Mom’s favorite, really expensive perfume, as well as garlic, baked beans, lemons, brussel sprouts, and every other gross, disgusting thing we could think of. We thought if we put enough gross stuff together they’d cancel each other out and eventually make something awesome.

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